Reason #237 Why Dating Is Rough: www.oh-here-we-go-again.com

Great news, readers!

No, no, it's not another Soup Swap.

For I, dear khop, have decided to take the plunge to dating, inter-web style.

What prompted this turn of events, might you ask? Probably not what you’d think.

The other morning I woke up in pain. A very sharp pin prick of pain on the left side of my upper back actually woke me from my slumber. I put my hand back there and felt a very big, very hard lump. I thought, "Well, here it is. The way I'm going to die. From a cancerous tumor on my back."

Sigh.

When I got out of bed to peer in the mirror at this thing that was going to kill me, I realized that it was not, in fact, a tumor.

Horray!

It was a big huge nasty back zit. Did I mention how badly this thing hurt? As I contorted my body in attempt to get both hands back there to pop it, I thought, "Well, here it is. The way I'm going to die. From breaking my neck in attempt to pop my own back zit."

Sigh.

The fact that my untimely death could be entirely avoided if only I had a significant other on hand to pop said not-tumor sent me plummeting into a deep depression, very sad George-Michael-Bluth-Charlie Brown-like.

Verily, verily, this was not the best morning ever.

So I decided to do something about it. I’d been meaning to give Charm City interweb dating a try for a while, and things seemed to be calming down lately. No soup swap, no pending granite installations, no triathlon weekends coming up, why not? Any way I looked at it, it was a win-win situation: best case scenario, I find the man of my dreams, my veritable “one”. Medium case scenario, I get the ego boost of having a few irons in the fire, even if nothing materializes. Worst case scenario, I consider the whole thing research for my pathetic little rag.

I’ve dabbled in the world of internet dating before, a few times in fact. The first was several years ago with Match.com while I was living in West Chester, PA. Like the sprinter that I am, I lined up four dates in one weekend. By the end of Date #4, I was thoroughly burnt out and spent the next several months getting the shakes whenever I found myself in the same room as my computer and staunchly preferring the company of my cat and my Tivo.

Ever the optimist, I gave things another shot a few months later with Neil Clark Warren’s shop over at eHarmony. And while I do see distinct advantages to the particular brand of madness he claims is in his method, I struck out over there, as well.

About a year or so later, in a moment of curiosity, I took a gander through Match.com again, and made this little discovery. And until now, that was that for me and lovin’ on the world wide web.

Why start this all up again? Well, for the reasons I explained above, namely back zit, irons in fire, writing material, et cetera, et cetera. I am in a new city, so there is a whole new batch of mens out there waiting to “wink” at the khop. Who’s to say my luck won’t be different this time around? Plus, there are plenty of people I know, cool, normal people, who have found dating success at the swipe of a credit card and a few clicks on the keyboard. So why can’t I? With renewed optimism, I fired up my shiny new MacBook Pro and started surfing away.

Look out, Charm City web daters! Here I come!

So far, I’m six days in, and I have four post-it notes chock full of observations, so if nothing else, my quest for writing material has certainly been successful. I’ll relay one or two now and save the rest for later posts.

First thing’s first: The Handle.

In this uncertain life, I’m sure about very few things. One thing I am rock solid on, though, is that like your child’s name, your internet dating handle must be chosen with extreme thought and precision. When thinking through potential handles, you must consider all the ways it could be contorted to make you look lame, creepy, uninteresting, or just plain weird. This is not only critically important in your attempts to attract quality members of the opposite sex, but also so if (no, when) your friends find out about your quest for online love and track down your profile behind your back, you’re not forever referred to as “Ladyluver” or, ahem, one hot chick.

My first time around, I was stumped. I didn’t want to use any overt name identifiers (unsafe) or my initials (lame). I didn’t want to typecast myself as a “frisbeegal” or try to come up with a clever dating-themed name. In the end, my first attempt was so unfortunate I struggle to even relay it here. The formula I devised was:

cat’s name (oh how I cringe at this, yes, yes, major clue as to why I am single) + year of birth + best frisbee throw/heckle = world class handle.

The sum of this particular equation was Lulu77huckit. (This account has long since been killed so don’t even bother searching.)

Not very far into this foray I realized that my math was a bit off.

To me, cat’s name plus year of birth plus best frisbee throw/heckle equaled Lulu77huckit, but to the average West Chester internet-dating male, the equation probably went something like this:

Lulu77huckit = this girl has a weird first name + year of birth + did she just say “fuck it”? As in, "Fuck it, I guess I'll try internet dating?"

And even after clarification, the BEST this equation would ever amount to was:

Lulu77huckit = this girl used her CAT’S name in her handle? + year of birth + frisbee? you mean like frisbee football? Is that a real sport? I thought only barefoot hippies played that game?

I never was particularly good at math.

This time around, after very careful deliberation, I think I picked a slightly better handle. I’m not going to relay it here; however, if you are any good at internet stalking at all, you should be able to find it on your own without too much difficulty. I am aware that there is some time-sensitivity to the name, as it refers to me being new in town, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I am excited to report that I have been outdone, though, in terms of unfortunate handles, as the other day I was “winked” at by “Lone Ranger seb”. Because of the lack of underscores or spaces, though, it took me quite a bit of time to realize that his handle was not, in fact, “Loner Angers eb”.

Good luck with your anger issues, s.e.b. I wish you all the best with that.

Undoubtedly more soon,

khop