Ommmm..... Ommmm...... Ommmm......

I’m absolutely desperate to learn how to meditate.

Stop giggling and shut up.

It’s true. Although I’ve done painfully little towards this end, it’s something I’ve wanted for quite some time now. See, like probably most people, I have this insane level of internal dialogue, sometimes positive, often negative, but absolutely never ending. It exhausts me at times, and I long for greater control over it, to still it or to even just slow its pace. I’ve commented before that I regret the fact that I can’t enjoy the act of sleeping in the actual moment. Sure, there’s an after the fact contentment of having woken from a satisfying night’s sleep, but I can’t enjoy it while it’s happening because I’m, well, asleep. In exploring this idea further, I’ve concluded that it’s the peacefulness present during sleep that I wish to experience on a more conscious level. Simply put, I’d like to be able to make myself just shut the hell up.

In my former life as a musician, I would sometimes reach this euphoric sense of stillness while playing. Conscious dialogue would stop, and I would literally be able to ride a wave of music. The sense of peace I would experience during and immediately after is like nothing else I’ve ever known. Now that music is no longer a part of my daily life, I’ve found that I want and need another way to tap into this and, if possible, take it to a higher level.

Once again, stop sniggering and making the hippie jokes under your breath. You know that’s not very kind and loving ‘n stuff.

I’ve practiced yoga on and off over the years, and while I enjoy it and am able to tap into a certain amount of stillness through it, it’s not ideal. Physically speaking, my muscles are so tight and inflexible that I can barely touch my toes, meaning the only yoga I have a prayer of successfully pulling off is hot yoga. This means huffing it off to a yoga studio for a 90 minute class (so a 2 hour venture when it’s all said and done), not something that is easily incorporated into the daily agenda of a working adult who happens to have a variety of interests. Publishing this rag, to name just one.

No, I’m looking for something a little shorter and sweeter, something that could perhaps be incorporated into my morning routine to, you know, start the day off on a peaceful, transcendental foot. I have this vision in my head of getting to such a place of meditative peace that it carries me through the day, such that each time a customer gears up to kick me in the face (usually figuratively but sometimes literally), the fake smile I normally wear actually becomes genuine, and the hostility rolls right off me like water off a duck’s back.

Perhaps I should just smoke a bunch of weed instead?

Naturally, in getting this started, I headed straight over to iTunes and started a’clickin’ away, to see what there was to see. All kinds of meditation podcasts and audio books for download, and after a few minutes of searching, I found one that seemed as good as any to start with. Who knew that self-actualization is only a few mere clicks away?

I’m three days into this, and I’ve already confirmed my initial assumption which was that I have the mental fitness equivalent to one of those half ton people who need a crane and a team of caregivers just to shower. Still my mind? Oh, sweet little Khop….

But even though this was my assumption headed in, why am I genuinely surprised at all the chatter that goes on in there while I’m trying to do this thing? I always do this. I charge into an activity I have never done and have little to no natural inclination for and then am mildly shocked when I’m not an immediate expert. And then I’m embarrassed for being shocked. After all, who the hell do I think I am?

I think this whole meditation thing will be good for me….

The guided meditations are having me focus on different things each time, like the flame of a candle or a vision of me sitting on a cliff overlooking the ocean – all very chill and groovy. And so far, I’ve had pin pricks of time each during session where I think I’m kinda focused (the contradiction already being painfully evident, as the point of the whole thing is to not think…sigh…). We’re talking flashes, gone before they’re here, whispers of focus, before the stream of conscious dialogue comes rushing back in. Dialogue like this:

· My foot’s falling asleep.

· Huh, I’ve never really watched a flame this long. Look how much it’s moving. That means the air around the flame is moving that much. Weird. What exactly is fire? Am I a moron for not knowing that? Thank goodness there’s such a discrete boundary between fire and not fire. Cos else everything could catch on fire. And that would suck.

· If I move my foot so that it doesn’t fall asleep, does that mean I’m not meditating?

· I’m supposed to be flying over the ocean now. Ok, that’s cool, I can see it. Ahhhh…..Wait, am I supposed to have wings? I think the guy mentioned wings. Wings look lame, though. I’d rather just fly with my arms than with big bird wings. Everyone knows bird feathers are really dirty, and if I had wings, they’d look weird under clothes.

· Wow, the cats seem to be staying at a distance. I’ve heard that cats communicate through telepathy. Maybe I’m telling the cats to leave me be while I do this. Yeah! We’re talkin’ all telepathically ‘n shit! Heel, kit-tay! Nope, nope, a cat is now sitting on my lap.

You get the jist.

Anyone got any tips?

Ommmm……

khop